Self Anathema
by Attrix
Summary: Zero's self hatred grew from the lack of love. Kaname, his best friend, gets love from everyone except from the one whom he loves the most. Can Kaname's conquest destroy Zero's self anathema? WARNING: KanamexZero. BoyxBoy. Triggers may happen as there's suicidal thoughts, self harm and domestic abuse.
1. Yuki

Hey Guys~ Sorry for deleting this story earlier, but I'll definitely write it and finish it as well. Please do give me your support through reviews~ You'll get cookies! :D

_Since when have I been so jealous of idiot Kaname? _

It's only been a few weeks since Zero has met Yuki, and she brewed an internal storm inside his heart...Stirred up the winds of doubt, raised the temperature of his anger, cooled down his heart, and last, but not least, she added a few sprinkles of jealousy. All for him to deal with.

Two weeks ago, Zero held his head down as he walked towards the bus stop. Home was in his mind. After all, no one would be home until it was very late. Home _was_ in his mind until a soft, slender hand grabbed his wrist. He perked up to see the smile of the girl with long, brown hair. She also had the warmest aura that you would have ever felt. She was the one who smiled at him.

"Zero, where are you going? Come and sit with us. If it gets too late, I'll drop you home, okay?" She giggled as she dragged him towards the pond.

He sighed as he went along, only for his interest to perk as he saw his best friend with that girl. There, he saw a couple of ice-cream cartons. The girl knelt down and opened the ice-cream cartons.

"Kaname! Why did you eat my share? You were supposed to eat your share, and I was to eat mine, damn it! Why did you eat it while I was getting Zero? " She whined as she stared at the half empty carton.

Kaname simply smiled then replied, "Well, I was hungry and you were not really eating your share,"

"Damn, how are you so fit and eat so much? I mean, you ate a carton and a half!" She exclaimed as her eyes simultaneously increased in diameter.

He simply shrugged as he smiled at the girl.

Zero only smirked as he saw the girl whine. The smirk turned into a soft smile as his eyes meet his friend's dark, powerful eyes. They simply stared deep into each other's eyes. Kaname's stable, strong eyes met the quivering eyes of Zero. The wind softly hit Zero's back and gently rustled the jacket of Kaname's jacket. It was as though that moment lasted for centuries.

_Kaname, what do you want from me? You've got everyone to love you. Why are you after me?_

When Yuki turned to Zero, his eyes automatically tore away from the gaze of his friend's and onto the girl. This action caused Kaname to look away. Zero smiled as he took Yuki's hand and held it against his chest.

"Do you feel my heart beat, Yuki?" He asked to which she pulled away.

"Zero...I don't like you like that. Sure, you're really handsome, but I prefer Kaname," She confessed as her eyes glittered on Kaname.

_Che. _His teeth clenched together as he looked to the ground and smiled. _Always Kaname. Why is he so damn attractive to everyone? Why am I not?_

"I see...It's fine. I get it. Kaname's better," Zero laughed out with the subtle weight of sadness in his voice.

"You're wrong! I do love you, but just...not like that, " She cried out as she hugged the depressed silverette.

"Whatever, you don't mean it. Besides, I get it. Kaname's better," He chuckled out.

Kaname stared at the boy with eyes of disbelief and a hint of anger before looking down in regret. He couldn't handle seeing his friend in distress. He wanted him to be strong and feel loved, but because the love goes to him...his friend can't feel anything, but pain.

"Zero, there are people who are not attractive by society's views, but they still find partners," He said as a matter-of-fact fashion.

Zero scowled at the comment. _So you're trying to say that I'm unattractive and will find someone who will love me? Unlikely._

"Yeah right," Zero answered.

Kaname looked at his friend then sighed as he turned to look elsewhere. He knew that he could not comfort the boy. He was admired, so who was he to talk like that?

"No, he's right. What you need is a loving relationship where the person dotes on you, Zero, "She added as she clung onto the boy's arm.

He wanted to push the girl away...Oh, how he closed his eyes and opened them to face the sky. The cold, silver, gray, and threatening sky greeted him with the rush that of a bullet that went into his eyes. He sighed as though he had been killed even though he wasn't killed. The dark ocean of the sky had released that desire to push the girl away, but it did not ease the sadness in his heart.

_Why is Kaname more loved than me? Why...? Why...? WHY?! _His eyes flared wide before he stared at the dark ground with a blank expression.

"Hey Zero, lighten up. Oh! There's my car!" She called out as she pointed towards the yellow truck. Zero briefly looked up as he saw the girl leave them.

Kaname got up from the ground and hugged the girl farewell. The girl pranced to the car and they watched until it disappeared. Kaname sat back down, causing Zero to follow.

"It's getting late, huh?" He commented.

"Yeah, and shouldn't you be heading to the bus?" Kaname reminded.

The silverette's eyes flared slightly before he got up.

"Walk with me, " He requested as he began to walk. Kaname grabbed his backpack and followed the boy. He gently brushed his fingers against the boy's, who in turn, held his arm. Kaname's eyes widened before he smiled at the action.

"What?" Zero asked with a slight growl for an undertone.

"Nothing, just remembered how you wouldn't do this two years ago," He commented.

"Really? I wouldn't remember anything about that time," He began, only to see the hint of sadness in the boy's eyes, before adding, " It's not like I'm trying to avoid any bad memories...I just get a headache when I try to remember and from what I can remember...I did hurt Aido, but the only thing that I can do is move on. Just leave him alone and move on. I feel as though apologizing will make it worse. He'll wonder why and may feel more upset. Better to move on like how he already has. I can't let it hold me back. Sorry Kaname,"

Kaname stared at his friend in awe. He couldn't hide the expression of pain and anger because he really wanted Zero to apologize and reconcile with Aido, but he knew that Zero had really thought about this. That Zero wouldn't listen to him and would simply do as he thinks is the best course of action. All he could do now is respect Zero as he did not want to fight with the boy.

The sky was getting darker and they stood at the bus stop.

"Besides, I have other problems such as my dad. I don't know if he loves or hates me. He really is a pain in the neck. Always telling me to die. I was actually planning on it, you know?" Zero complained.

"But you will get away from him, I know it, "Kaname cheered on.

Just then, the bus came and stopped in front of them.

"Came sooner than I thought. Well, I have to go," Zero said as he turned to move to board the bus, only to be caught by Kaname.

Kaname pulled the silverette into a hug. Their bodies collided with each other and the sky grew dark enough to let shy bits of light compliment the scene. Zero smelled Kaname's scent of oak and he knew that Kaname smelled his scent. He wasn't sure whether Kaname would appreciate the scent of cologne, but that was the best Zero could do. After all, he had a hard job where he didn't smell like a bed of roses at all. Zero felt his heart beat faster than before and just when he thought that his heart would burst, he got out of Kaname's grip. His eyes met his friend's captivating, crimson eyes.

"You know how much I love hugs, right?" He reminded.

"Yeah," Zero responded

Zero gave Kaname a quick hug before he boarded the bus. He slipped the shiny quarter in and stepped to sit in the front row seat. He turned to watch Kaname stare a bit before he headed back to the pond.

_Kaname, why are you still with me? Even after the fact that I hurt Aido...Aido, who is your closest friend, was hurt by me and you're still my friend. Kaname, are you my friend because Aido forgave me or do you simply like me? _


	2. Work and Home

Hey Guys~ Welcome to another chapter of Self Anathema. I do NOT own Vampire Knight. All credits of the original story goes to Matsuri Hino-sensei. I hope that you read and enjoy this chapter~

The sky was getting darker as the bus came closer to Zero's apartment. His eyes were glazed by the light of the sunset. He couldn't help, but give a small smile as he thought about the embrace shared between his best friend and him.

_Kaname, why do I feel this way? I don't have the desire to sleep with you...so why? You already have so many people who- You can have anyone you like. Surely._

The bus gave a harsh turn which caused Zero's eyes to widen as he yanked the hard clear cord. The bell rang and the computerized female announcer droned, "Stop requested. Please hold onto the railing or remain seated until the bus stops. Be sure to watch your step when getting off the bus. Have good day and thank you for choosing our services,"

After she had announced that, the bus stopped in a way that caused bodies to jerk wildly forward. Zero sighed as he got down. He walked into the poorly lit street, only for his eyes to see the flashing beams which caused him to turn to the other side before dashing with all of his strength to reach the safety of the pavement. He caught his breath and looked back for a moment to see the vehicles pass by quickly. Then, he simply walked slowly to his house. No one was in the neighborhood anyways. Most of them planned on going some place or another. It didn't really bother him that his neighborhood was rather quiet. It actually pleased him to know that his neighbors were generous enough to allow him the silence to sleep at night.

He inserted the key into the key hole, turned before he jerked the knob open. _The house is dark again! That bastard! How many times did I tell him to turn the lights on as it will be late!_

Zero kicked his shoes off and rushed upstairs to see his room. There, he laid down on his bed and closed his eyes.

_"Kaname? What are you doing in my house?" Zero asked._

_"What are you talking about? We have been together for a long time...and this is __**our**__ house," He replied._

_Zero dashed towards his room, grabbed his suitcase and began to pack until he felt a hand wrap around his waist. He was then pulled onto the ground while being held by Kaname. Kaname kissed his neck before whispering, "No...you can't leave me, Zero. Not after all that we have been through. You can't leave..." _

_Zero kept struggling, but to no avail did Kaname let Zero go. _

_"LET ME GO!" Zero cried out._

_Kaname turned Zero to face him. Zero could not bring himself to tear his gaze from Kaname's nor move a single muscle. Kaname pulled him close and it wasn't until their lips collided did Zero realize that they were kissing. Their tongues danced and swirled together. Clear liquid dripped from the corner of Zero's lips as Kaname moved one hand to pull Zero closer. Zero tried to will himself away from Kaname, but he kissed back. After what seemed to be forever, they pulled away. Kaname still did not release Zero. In fact, he snaked his leg around Zero's knee and locked it in place, much to Zero's surprise._

_"Hey, what are you doing?" Zero asked as he frowned._

_"Sh...I get it. You're upset because I was giving Yuki too much attention, but please know that I love you, Zero," Kaname confessed as he held both of Zero's hands tightly._

_"Wha-? This has to be a dream! The real Kaname wouldn't do this!" Zero yelled out._

_"You're right. This is a dream, so why don't you enjoy this moment? No one has to know...let this be a secret that you keep, okay?" Kaname chuckled as he kissed Zero's neck tenderly. _

_Zero wanted to push Kaname away, but he couldn't bring himself to. After all, like his admirers, he may love Kaname or envy the fact that Kaname is loved. Who knows? Nothing made sense when he was embraced by such a wonderful person._

_If only the real Kaname could erase this confusion..._

"ZERO! Wake up, you lazy son of a bitch!" Rido growled as he punched Zero's stomach.

The boy's eyes widened as he saw that he had forgotten to lock the door.

"You forgot to wash my clothes, bitch," He spat out.

He slowly got up and heard a thud.

_He threw the clothes downstairs again._

Zero went down and threw the clothes into the washer machine. He sighed. _Probably had a bad day at work and now, he's gonna vent on me. Great. _He sighed as he decided to eat something. It didn't matter to him whether or not he brushed his teeth first because hunger was the only impetus. He drew open the heavy door of the fridge and stared at the shelves.

_What to eat...I don't even know anymore. I guess I'll just drink pomegranate juice or something. _ He walked over to the pantry and grabbed the pomegranate juice that he had bought a couple of weeks ago. He opened the bottle and saw that there was a little bit left. _Strange...I rationed it out for it to last for two weeks. Rido must've drank some. Damn him. _He then drank a little bit and then closed the pantry door. Turning to the stairs as he knew that it was going to take a while, Rido glared at him.

"Why are you drinking that pomegranate juice again, bastard?" He asked with a slight smirk.

"It's just a blood tablet substitute," Zero answered back with a sigh.

"Didn't I tell you to buy blood tablets, bitch?" He asked.

"Yes, but those were too expensive and doesn't last as long as pomegranate juice," Zero replied.

"Arguing with me again? I'll teach you," He growled as he raced down the stairs and slapped Zero across the face. The action nearly caused the bottle to fling out of the boy's hand...Almost if he hadn't regained his balance. The action had left a slight mark on his face...

"Do as I say and you will not get hurt, you understand?" Rido spat out as he left.

Zero ran into the bathroom that was behind him and drank what was left of the pomegranate juice.

_Bastard! You made me go to a human school when I could've been in Vampire school. I have to serve different types of blood to vampires for a living and do you know how hard that is? They don't pay enough because I get to take a week's worth of blood, and you drink it all up. Shit...What am I going to do when I lose this job? Oh wait. I did. And it was all because of you, but how can I even tell you that?_

Zero sighed as he remembered how Rido had caused him to lose his job and how he blamed Zero for it. It was just unbelievable. He lost a job within a month. How embarrassing.

_"Zero! You think that you'll have this little job forever, eh?" Rido chuckled out while Zero was serving other guests._

_The vampires were staring at an angry Rido yelling at Zero. Zero raced over and begged, "Can we please talk about this outside or at a later time?" _

_"Outside? Later time? We never talk, Zero. It's always, 'Talk later. Talk later," Well, you better talk NOW! Son of bitch," He spat out._

_Just then, Ruka came and warned, "Mr. Rido ,please leave the premises...and Zero, let's talk about this, okay?" _

_Zero followed her to her office and sat on the comfy chair. Ruka stared at the dark brown, heavy door and sighed when it closed._

_"I'm sorry to say, but you can not work here anymore," Ruka said._

_"Wait...please let me keep this job. I really need it," Zero begged._

_"I am sorry, but I can not have your dad ruin my business. I have lost 3 regular customers this week. Tell you what, you can have your full pay and drink my blood as your last paycheck, okay?" She explained._

_Zero nodded and took his $200. Ruka walked over to him and sank down until her knees touched the floor. She stared into the sad eyes of Zero and smiled._

_"You are a good kid, and I know that you will make it someday. I know that you will, now drink the blood, okay?" She commented._

_Zero sighed as he leaned his face towards the woman's neck, sank her teeth in and drank the blood. The woman suppressed her scream as she allowed Zero to drink his fill of blood. However much was needed. Just before the woman felt faint, he let go of her._

_"Sorry, did I take too much?" He asked._

_"Not at all. Just sign this piece of paper saying that you were paid by me, okay?" She said as she wiped the blood off._

_Zero signed and took his money. He began to walk until Ruka interrupted, "Wait, can you tell me why your eyes turns red after you drink blood?" _

_"I don't know...I think that it shows that I had been fed, I suppose," He answered._

_"Very well, it was nice to have you around, kid,"She said._

_"Yes, it was nice to have you around as well, Ms. Ruka," He answered before leaving. He had snuck $100 in his pocket and kept the other in his hand._

_He walked outside and was punched by Rido. He groaned in pain as Rido kicked him around for a bit._

_"You're a son of a bitch, you know that? Your mother Shizuka was the same. Now, she's just partying with her money while I deal with you...And you're not giving me any blood. Give me that money! You live in my house. You were born because of me. I control your life, you hear?" He snarled as he took the money. _

_Zero smiled as he knew that he had enough to survive. He slowly got up and sat in the car._

Remembering that, Zero began to cry. It had been almost a month and Ruka's blood was wearing off. He had to get another job and soon. The boy took his fingernail and stabbed his chest.

"OW!" He screamed as he saw blood splatter along the bathroom tile walls. He stared at the blood lustfully and began to squeeze the blood from his chest. He allowed his hand to cup underneath the wound until he gathered enough blood before drinking it. Sure, it would last for a week at the most, but it was something that kept him alive. As long as he had some of Ruka's blood within him, he would be fine and he is planning on using every drop that he drank from the woman to survive.

_I must be disgusting. I'm drinking my own blood. Wonder how Kaname would feel about this. Wonder how Yuki would. I don't know...and what's weird is that I don't even care._

The boy chuckled on as he kept drinking the blood. Just then, he heard a knock.

"Hey Zero, if you want any blood, now is your chance, okay? Sorry about what I said earlier. It's just that I can't focus because of you. You're the reason why I can't work. I'm sick and I know that you wouldn't take care of me. I do love you, son and don't take my words to heart. I am just mad, is all," He said.

Zero's eyes widened as his fingers gripped his silver hair and he yanked it. He clenched his teeth began to lick the blood off of the walls. _This has to be the funniest joke that I have ever heard of! How could he even say that? How? How? HOW?! I am feeling a bit insane...But how would Kaname feel? Shit...I am better than this._

Zero stopped as he kept thinking of the dark haired boy. He took some toilet paper, wet it, then wiped off the walls. He used some other bits of toilet paper and pressed onto the wound until he sensed that no more blood was coming out. Then, he put his shirt back on. There, he cried his frustration out.

_Does anyone really love me? I guess not and it's because I am a worthless son of a bitch. I suppose Rido would be happy to know that. I don't know why I don't call him, "dad" anymore...I don't understand. Does he love me or hate me? Everyone says that he loves me, but can't show it...but I think that he hates me. Who should I believe? I don't know. I just want to die...I wonder if anyone can put me out of my misery...If so, then I hope that person comes soon._


	3. Space of Lonliness

Hey Guys~ Welcome to another chapter of Self Anathema. I do NOT own Vampire Knight. It belongs to Matsuri Hino-sensei. I do hope that you read and enjoy this chapter~

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><p>"What are you screaming for, bitch? You're just like your mother. That woman would nag and scream. I don't get paid by her to deal with you, you hear?" Rido spat out.<p>

Zero gave a soft smile while clenching his teeth. _But I didn't choose to be here in the first place...I don't like my existence in the first place. In fact, I, like you, wished that I was dead right now! Why won't you kill me?! Why?! _

"Yes dad," was all he weakly replied as he moved in a sluggish fashion, only for his back to land on the door.

He was crouched, but he was still standing. In front of him, he saw a monster...A silverette whose face has blood splattered all over, a grin that screams of only death, and crimson eyes that flared like a signal light. A true monster, indeed...When he looked at his fingernails, they had grown considerably long and sharp with a curve which made them look like small scythes.

_Shit! Rido's going to figure out that I did drink some blood! Oh well, I'll just have to stay here for some time. Calm down. Just breathe and this...I will be normal. _

He kept staring at himself. He couldn't help it. The red eyes just caught his attention with every attempt of moving his face away.

"What's wrong?" He grinned and laughed out.

He stared at the sharp, pointy canine that sparked of a porcelain-like white...as though it was ready to bite on anything and kill it. The boy kept staring before his eyes widened, and caused his head to jerk back in reaction. The back of his head hit the door which caused his head to jerk back forward. He looked at himself again. The eyes dialed down to a reddish-brown by now.

"You're just a pathetic son of a bitch! Dad says so...so it must be true, right? Or am I wrong? Or is he right?" He panted out.

His raspy breath grew like an avalanche into a full out hyperventilation. He couldn't help, but pump the air in and out of his system. The pressure caused his eyes to widen. Suddenly, he felt his heart pound against his neck which is something that he never though was ever possible.

_Shit. It's really dripping..._

The boy no longer had the temptation to drink anymore as he felt rather satisfied for now. Zero Kiryu is a true autotroph. Yes, he behaves like a heterotroph, but he isn't. He merely takes in other substances to satisfy the society of others who feed on something else. He can recycle his blood for food. He could cut himself, drain the blood into a cup and drink it later if he wished. However, he did not want his father to know this special ability of his. If Rido were to know, then there is absolutely no telling as to what he would do to Zero.

_I really hate myself. I really hate my life. Why am I alive? What is the point of my existence? I can answer that...there isn't any reason! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No one needs me and no one wants me. My dad hates me. My mom is gone. Yuki likes Kaname. Hell, everyone like Kaname! Always, always, ALWAYS KANAME!_

His eyes popped out as he took his bloodied fist and clashed it against his chest as though he had a knife.

"Ugh!" He grunted as he felt the numb sensation flow throughout his chest.

His arm laid limp to his side as he sat there. Blood was everywhere, but this did not cause the boy to feel tempted for one bit. This concept seemed strange to him. His eyes darkened as his eyebrows cringed. A sigh escaped his lips.

_Always Kaname, eh?_

Just then, he heard a soft knock on the door.

"Zero? Hey Zero, I'm sorry. I was just mad, don't take it personally, okay?" Rido said.

_You always say that to me._

"Look, I know you're in there and I smell blood. If you are drinking blood that you got from your previous job, you know that you could drink it in the kitchen. Don't go around being sneaky," He added.

_Like I ever could. You'd only take it away from me and drink it for yourself._

"I guess I tried. Just clean the blood you spilled 'cause we don't want anyone to think that we're doing something bad, okay?" He sighed before leaving.

_You've tried? This is the best you can do? If so, then you're pathetic. Why do you call me pathetic, eh? Like I don't know as a vampire to clean the blood if I spilled it. Stupid. You're never there for me. You hurt me then spit out lies! STOP LYING TO ME, DAMN IT!_

The boy's eyes widened as his teeth clenched together. He gripped the brown cabinet door that is under the sink and pulled out the red rag that Rido often used when he drank the blood of prostitutes. He got up, turned the faucet on and ran the rag under the water. The crimson residuals turned pink as it went down the drain. Zero wrung the rag and began to wipe off the walls until it was back to it's original color. He couldn't specially tell what color it was as he was high off of the blood he drank, so he relied on his sense of smell.

_No more blood here. Rido wouldn't know that it's my blood as he did put a spell on this rag to make sure that I wouldn't know the identity of the person whose blood he drank. Oh well, it works to my advantage._

He smiled as he buttoned up his shirt and saw that his wounds healed to the point where it was as though Zero had not hurt himself at all. The door knob was turned and he walked out to go upstairs and do his homework as he did not like to hear his teacher nag at him for not doing a single assignment.


	4. The Morning After

_Sorry for the short chapter and late update. I've had tons of school work and had to find a job...and just when I thought that nothing else would block me from updating...I got sick. I promise to write more later~! Please read and review...but most of all, enjoy!_

_-Attrix_

_How does waking up always have to be so damn dreadful?_

A sigh escaped the silverette's lips as he felt the piercing sunlight stab his face over and over again. He slowly got up and went down the corridor. Another sigh escaped his lips.

_At least, I got that stupid homework done. What's the point of having homework in the first place? It's pointless...It doesn't even measure how smart you are, but rather how much work you do and how accurate you are...but people are different...why does everything have to be so damn generic?_

The door creaked open as he dragged his body in. Suddenly, his hands reached out to keep his body from falling onto the sink. His eyes widened. Yes, he was awake now if he hadn't been awake before. He swayed until he found the spot that would balance his body from juggling from place to place. He turned the knob of the faucet, letting the water rush into his hands. When enough water filled his hands, he splashed it across his face. He gasped as he stared into his reflection.

There were no marks. All evidence of yesterday was gone. Just as he had expected.

_Good that it's gone. Kaname doesn't need to see this. Yuki would have a fit, but why does this all matter to me? _

He snapped the faucet shut and headed back to his room. The water that was dripping on his face was wiped roughly away by his towel. He then threw on his shirt, pants, took his money, keys, and his backpack then raced downstairs. It didn't matter if Rido woke up as he'd yell at Zero for one thing or another. The silverette walked out of the house, standing there to feel the warmth of his house and the coldness of the outside world.

_Don't have a choice. I gotta go to school..._

He walked out and locked the door. He jerked the door twice just to see if it really was locked.

_Good. Now, Rido can't complain like he always does._

Zero walked over to his bus stop, pulled out his mp3 player and listened to the song on his mp3 player. He stared at the sky. It was still a bit dark with hints of the sky blue light that slowly grows brighter until it's completely that blue and stays for a while.

_Is my life like the sky? I wished that I would know my future just so that I could control it. If my life was like the sky, then what would be the end of my day if this is my dawn?_

He sighed, but kept staring at the clouds.

_Would I die a painful death? What kind of job would I have? Would I still be stuck with Rido? I wished that I knew...I wished that I knew everything then maybe he would be satisfied...but knowing him, he would never be satisfied with my existence...I wonder if I should just kill myself? _

He kept staring at the sky until the bus' shadow caught his attention. He waited until the bus let out its steam and opened its doors for him. He got in and dropped a quarter in while showing his ID. The bus driver nodded, then he headed to the middle aisle and grabbed onto the bar. The bus had a two second pause of calm silence before the bus let out its steam and rose to its original height before zooming into the road.

Zero sighed as the bus went on the route that he practically memorized.

_Another day of school. Lectures, worksheets, and fans squealing over Kaname...Great. Oh well. _

The bus stopped ever 5 minutes as there was a stop everywhere in this area. Zero sighed as he looked at the future stops.

_Great...Could this bus get any slower? _

Zero's eyes widened as he saw the gas station as he knew that the next stop would be his school. He impatiently rang the bell.

"Stop requested. Please stay seated or hold onto the railing until the bus stops. Thank you for choosing our services," The female computer voice droned.

The bus took a turn and practically cruised all the way to his school. When it stopped, it let out steam as it went down to let the kids go down the bus. Zero hopped onto the grass, turned his mp3 player off, and strolled until he saw the end of the sidewalk. He paused. A car had gone by.

_I would've gone in front of that car if I hadn't promised Kaname._

Zero looked at the blue sky and walked to his school.

_Another day of hell begins yet again._


	5. The Supposed Hell

Hey guys~! Welcome to another chapter of Self Anathema. Vampire Knight does NOT belong to me. It belongs to Matsuri Hino-sensei. I am sorry if this chapter is taking a bit of time. A fan girl is squealing over the yaoiness and figuring out how to better word it for your enjoyment. As always, I ask that you all please read and review, but most of all, enjoy!

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><p>Zero walked into the brightly lit hallway with his eyes pointed down. There weren't many people there, but the atmosphere felt so dark that the bright lights were an obvious lie. Zero touched his locker, twisted the knobs of his lock and jerked it off. There was not a single response. No surprise. No dismay. Nothing. He sighed as he dropped his backpack down and shoved all of his things inside his backpack. He yanked the zipper then rose up to slam the locker shut.<p>

He pulled open the door to his class as the lock was broken and Yagari wouldn't have cared if students came in his room. It was a school, after all. He looked down as he flipped the switch on, but the bright lights hit his eyes nevertheless.

_Damn. Stupid light's gonna give me a fucking migraine. _

He sat his things on his desk and walked out. There was someone he wanted to see. He paced down as he saw that silver haired teacher walk down the corridor.

"Ms. Maria! !" He called out.

The hyperactive teacher, who was walking briskly, stopped. She looked at Zero and asked, "What is it, Zero?"

He stared at her and said, "Please make me feel better,"

"Are you sick? Is everything okay?" She frantically asked as she studied the boy.

"Yes, I'm fine...Never mind. What are we going to do in class?"

"Zero, I have the younglings to think about. I'm not thinking about your class...If that is all, then you don't need me," She responded as she waved her hand to the side and walked away.

_You're wrong. I do need you to heal the wound that is in my heart, Ms. Maria._

Zero looked down as he walked away, giving a slight glance to the short silverette. Just then, a hand grabbed his arm. Zero turned around, asking, "Yeah?"

_His eyes are crimson...again...I'm gonna...gonna what? _

"What's wrong, Zero?" The brunette asked as he slid his palm down the boy's face, caressing every curve.

Zero's breath hitched as his eyes couldn't tear from the taller male's gaze as he stuttered, "N-Nothing...I'm...f-fine,"

"No, you are not. Tell me," He demanded as he moved closer to the other male's face, and yanked his body closer when he felt him step back. "Don't avoid me, Zero,"

"I'm not..." He replied as he turned his face away.

The taller male saw the glaze in his eyes and moved forward to place a small kiss on his cheek. This action caused Zero's eyes to widen and whine, "What are you doing?"

"Can't I show affection to my brother?" The brunette asked.

_Yeah...he's my brother, so why am I feeling this way?_

"I need to go to class. Let's talk later, okay?" Zero suggested as he moved to go to his class.

The taller male smirked as he mumbled an barely audible, 'Yeah. I'll definitely see you later,"

_There's no way...I'm just nervous. There's nothing between us. We're brothers, so he couldn't be interested in me even though we are not related._

Zero came in when the bell rang. Barely tardy.

His history teacher handed out a boring packet about the American Revolution and briefly talked about how it's due in 2 weeks. He simply stared at the door.

_What am I expecting?_

He touched his cheek, letting his finger tips brush against the spot where he was kissed by moving his face slightly. Light gasps escaped his lips as he continued to listen to the lecture. Zero always could pay attention even when he is distracted. Even if he couldn't physically multi-task, he could mentally multi-task and that is how he could handle his life with Rido. He didn't have to fast or strong. He just needed to make a plan and keep talking to get away from Rido.

Zero went to all of his classes and couldn't wait until the bell rang as he knew that he would see that brunette in the hallway. He didn't know why a simple glance would make each heart beat tap against his chest so fast and ever so lightly.

_What am I expecting? It's just a glance...but why am I feeling so empty? No, it's nothing. I'm just shocked from Rido. There is no way that he would even accept me. I'm not good enough for him. He is just being brotherly and nothing more._

The silverette sighed as he looked down and walked out of school. He didn't care to meet him. He looked up at the gray sky and sighed. He kept walking until he paused by the pond.

_He wouldn't like me. He has Yuki. Yuki is a woman, so she can satisfy him more than I ever would._

An arm wrapped around his neck, causing him to gasp.

"Zero, hang out with us," Yuki smiled as she took Zero's hand and pulled him over to usual spot where she and Kaname sat down.

The silverette looked at what they were sharing. They weren't sharing food this time. All he saw were backpacks and jackets sprawled on the grass. His eyes ignored the pink and white back pack as he found the black laptop back to be far more attractive. The crimson eyed male turned as he sensed the silverette's eyes on his back pack and smirked.

"I should go home," He said as he saw Yuki give Kaname another hug.

"Why? You don't look okay, Zero, " Kaname pointed out as he stared into the silverette's eyes.

_What does he want? Does he want to torture me like how everyone else does? _

"I'm perfectly fine," he snapped.

"You know what you need?" The girl giggled as she put her index finger to her lips.

"Hm?" The silverette groaned.

"Either a girlfriend or a boyfriend, that is!" She cheered.

"What's so good about me?!" He snapped.

The girl placed her thumb and index finger against her chin and stroked down before saying, "Well, for one, you are easy on the eyes, Zero,"

"Doubt that. I mean, you're always drooling over Kaname," He brushed off.

Kaname turned as soon as he heard that comment and added, "No, you really are! You have nice hair and rare eye colors are often stared at,"

"Plus you have some secret admirers," She sung.

That caused that boy's eyes to widen as he asked, "Who?"

"Can't tell you. There are like 4 girls and 2 boys who like you...What I am trying to say is that you are liked, Zero," She sighed.

"No, I am not. Otherwise, I would be getting compliments like Kaname always does," He scoffed.

Kaname got up and ran his arm around Zero's waist. He leaned forward until their foreheads touched.

_Stop it... You're just trying to be nice to me. This pity game isn't going to work. _

The silverette turned his face and the brunette brought his lips close to his ear and whispered, "You also have your cute moments, Kiryu."

The silverette snapped back into reality at _Kiryu_ and attempted to lift his arms to push the other male off before his lilac eyes caught crimson stare. It was begging to be looked at, so Zero looked.

_He's right. Rare eye colors are often stared at...but we're just brothers, right? Right?_

"Ahem!" Yuki loudly cleared her throat in attempt to get attention.

The two boys broke away from each other...It worked. Yuki smiled at her triumph.

"So, as I was saying...If only you were less moody and not be such an introvert, then maybe you'd get a date or two," She giggled.

_Great. Just great. I know that I'm an introvert...but that's because people and I were never able to get along. Why else are people so damn attracted to Kaname? I don't get it. I'm not good enough, that's why. I'm never good enough. Why else wouldn't people be drawn to me? Why else would they compare me to Kaname? Why else is Kaname seen as perfect and I'm seen as the one who needs improvement? How am I to get confidence when all people see in me is that bad? Is there anything admirable about me? Is there something that others like about me? _

The boy hadn't realized that he kept his eyes shut until someone tapped his shoulder gently. His eyes perked to see the girl with the long hair and warm smile even if that smile wasn't meant for him...

"Zero? What were you thinking of?" She asked.

He looked at her. A long stare into her eyes. It was all he could do at the moment.

_Why do you even care? You love Kaname! Kaname. Kaname. Kaname! Everyone loves Kaname! Why can't one person love me and always be with me? Why can't you like me when I feel so much for you? I want to embrace you for a reason, Yuki! Yuki, why can't you love me? Why not?_

"Why anyone doesn't love me? I want to be loved as well, so what am I doing wrong?" He asked as the sound of his voice matched his descending head.

The girl looked at him and placed her hand on his shoulder while saying, "Aww..but you are loved, Zero."

The boy grabbed his things and got up.

"I need to go home. It's getting dark," He said as he looked up at the reddish orange sky that reminded him of the wound that he caused himself last night.

He walked to the bus stop before he noticed that a certain crimson eyed male was walking with him.

"What happened?" Zero asked.

"Yuki's dad came and she left. I figured that you didn't want to be alone, Zero," He answered.

"I'm not a child,"

"I know, but I want to keep you company. Look...you're an introvert and have a lot going on...so why don't you focus on making your life better?" He suggested.

"There's nothing that can make this better than death," The silverette answered.

The brunette stared at the silverette before spinning him around so that they could make eye contact.

"Don't you ever say that again! If you die, then I may not cry at your funeral. It's not just you...I usually don't cry at funerals unless if that person is special to me, "He said in a serious tone.

_Why do I get the feeling that he will cry for me? _

"You wouldn't cry," Zero told him while tilting his head to the side, making eye contact with the road.

"Probably not, but that doesn't mean that you should die. I really want to make you strong, " He continued.

_Make me strong? Am I so weak that you feel the need to help me? Great, the king of perfection is helping a pauper of perfection become perfect. I'm worthless. I'm a burden. I should just die._

Zero chuckled dryly as he stared into the crimson eyes. They were teary as though tears would come out. He saw the brunette's crimson eyes soften before his hand reached out to him. He was pulled into a hug and when his chest met the older male's chest, he tried to place his head on his shoulder blade before a forehead blocked him. The older male sighed as he took one hand and caressed the younger male's back in a circular motion. This caused gasps to come out softly out of the silverette's lips ever so slightly and obviously.

_He's just trying to comfort me...so why am I feeling this way? There is no way! We're brothers...although not related by blood, but we are brothers in the end of the day._

Feeling too relax, Zero tensed as he took his arms and reached around the older male's waist. This action caused the older male to tighten his grip by an inch more, closing more space between them.

"I just wanted to give you a hug, is that so bad?" The silverette asked which caused the older male to loosen his grip by a bit before going back to massaging the boy's back in a circular motion.

"Why are you massaging me?" The younger male asked.

"You seemed stressed, so a massage is usually given to those with tense and rigid muscles," He answered as a matter-of-factly.

The male sighed and enjoyed the massage. He couldn't help, but gasp when fingers dug slightly deep into the spot where he didn't think was tense and sent a wave of stress and relief. He opened his eyes slightly and saw the bus. It would come soon and with that, he warned, "The bus is coming,"

The older male stopped and inquired, "How was it?"

Zero stretched his back slightly and smiled as a way to answer his question before hopping on the bus.

_What's the catch, life?_

He dropped in a shiny quarter and sat in the front seat. No one was on the bus, much to his delight. He smiled slightly before frowning.

_If my day is good...then there has to be a cath...Wonder what is going to happen. I hate the calm before the storm. It never ends well. Please tell me that I'm wrong, but I'm never wrong. Life hates me too much. I am so worthless...why am I even alive? There is no point, but Kaname wouldn't want me to die. Kaname...you've got me to do something for you despite how I feel about it. Aren't you lucky?_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I'm so sorry that I'm taking longer than usual to update this story. I have been going to interviews to get a job, looked for a job, had to do a lot of school work, being sick...like horribly sick, and exhaustion is why I couldn't update it as often as I would have liked. I absolutely love this story and would love to share it with you all...So while I will try to update 2 chapters a week, it may not be possible, but I will try to update a chapter a week. Again, I hope that you read and enjoy as well as review.


	6. Surprise!

Hey guys! I've been busy lately, so it may take a bit longer than usual to update. I hope that you read, review, but most of all, enjoy this chapter~!

- Chapter 6-

The sky was darkening as the bus came closer and closer to Zero's house. His eyes narrowed as soon as he saw a glimpse. The automatic female voice droned, "Stop requested. Please hold onto the railing or remain seated until the bus stops. Be sure to watch your step when getting off the bus. Have good day and thank you for choosing our services,"

He let out a soft sigh and mentally growled.

_Does that thing have to keep yapping every time someone rings the fucking bell? _

The bus driver saw the little rectangular sign and stopped. It let out some air while leveling to the ground. Zero got down and walked into the darkness to reach his house.

As he walked, he spotted some guys and girls here and there...but the kids were not screaming in the playground like usual. That was something new and gave him a kind of peace. He had learned how to ignore the sound. It's when there isn't sound is when he's more alert. There had to be a sign of the wind blowing or even the sound of the grass bending...but there was nothing.

This caused him to quicken his pace to go home as soon as he could. His heart raced faster, his feet kept jogging to keep up with his mind. His ears were kept on full alert. He could see into the dark as though he had night vision goggles on. Then his feet suddenly quickened to the point where he ran to his door. There was only one thing left to do: he had to open the door. He scrambled in his pockets until he could feel that cool piece of metal, took it out and shoved the key inside, and twisted a few turns before he came in.

He locked the door before he sensed that Rido was not at home. That was the most peaceful time for him. No yelling. No complaining. Nothing. He was free to be who he really is and without the fear of interference nor discovery.

_I wonder why he can't just live at his job and send some money to me to spend as I need to? Why can't we have an arrangement where he just drives me to the grocery store once a week? If that was the case, I'd be much happier. _

He looked back to the door. The little knob was turned to the side that indicated that the door was locked. He let out the sigh that he didn't know he was holding back. He walked slowly to the stair case before racing up as though someone was chasing him.

_Wonder why I keep feeling... it's nothing. Most likely nothing. _

He walked into his room, turned around and locked the door. He made it into a habit to lock the door because Rido does tend to have episodes where he would hurt Zero. The strangest part is the reason...Rido was not under any sort of substance which would cause him to act the way he does.

_Rido could be home. I don't want to deal with him at all...He's only going to hurt me. I wished that there was alcohol in the house...because I really want to forget all the pain that I'm going through. Just want an escape no matter what I have to do to get it. Why can't life give me something to give me enough strength to deal with this? _

He sighed as he took his computer out. He pulled up his facebook page and looked through Kaname's pictures.

_Why does this give me peace? He's obviously going to get attention if he has tight pants on...and unbuttoned shirt. He really does have some nice muscles. He really can have anyone he wants...unlike me. I'll simply settle with anyone who may like me...I'll have to allow that person to cheat 'cause they'll only want me out of pity, anyways.  
><em>

He sighed as he kept scrolling down the page and stared at the pictures before scrolling back up to repeat his action. He couldn't stop his face from giving a small smile.

Just then, he heard a beep from the texting app on his phone. It was Yuki.

_**Yuki: Hey, I need 2 talk 2 u.**  
><em>

Zero stared at it. He couldn't help, but feel protective and want to know what was wrong with the girl. After all, he secretly likes the girl.

_**Me: What's wrong?**_

It wasn't even a minute and Zero's breath hitched as though he was anticipating something bad. _What could it be? Is Yuki okay? Why do I feel so scared?_

**_Yuki: Do you know why I like Kaname?_**

He stared at the text for a minute. He closed it, squeezed it tight before opening it again. _And I'm interested in this...why?_

**_Me: Sure...why not._**

**_Yuki: He's handsome, nice, relate-able, and has the best body in the planet!_**

_Excuse me for being so damn average.  
><em>

**_Me: Is that all you have to say? _**

**_Yuki: Look, u just need 2 get out there. Say, what kind of person do you like?_**

**_Me: Why do you want to know that?_**

**_Yuki: 'cause I wanna help u._**

**_Me: ..._**

**_Yuki: But you know...I give up on Kaname._**

Zero's eyes widened as he saw the text. He couldn't believe it. _Wasn't she in love with him? She screams about how wonderful he is...and tells me how I'm not attractive...so why?_

**_Me: Why?_**

**_Yuki: 'cause I m not gettin anywhere with him. He doesn't want anyone._**

_Wonder if he wants me.  
><em>

**_Me: He probably does like someone._**

**_Yuki: Well, he doesn't want meh. He cud have so much with meh. Gtg. showerr.  
><em>**

Zero let out a sigh and re-read those messages. _She gave up on Kaname? So soon...but that was to be expected. Kaname, why do you reject other people so much? _ He tapped out of the app. Then, he logged out of facebook and then shut his computer off.

_Need more blood to deal with shock._


End file.
